Thanksgiving is one of our greatest holidays. We eat until we feel like we’re going to die and then we lay around and watch football. But you’re also forced to see family members that can turn all the gluttony into a big downer. Here are the seven worst.
A must read from the GSI archive, you have to check out this hilarious take from HolyTaco.com:
7. THE RELIGIOUS RELATIVE
–It’s fine if you love Jesus. No one is saying you can’t. But you have to understand that for the rest of us, Thanksgiving is the only holiday we get where we don’t have to hear about the man upstairs. Therefore, I don’t give a shit that the shape of my mashed potatoes reminded you of a passage from Corinthians, I just want you to pass the salt.
6. THE PERSON WITH THE SECRET EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS
–You’ll know this person is coming to your thanksgiving about three and a half minutes before they get there, because you’re mother will pull you aside and say, “Ben is coming. Now, he’s gay, but he hasn’t come out to the family yet, so don’t say anything about gay things. Everyone, did you hear that? Ben is coming and he’s gay, but he hasn’t come out yet!”
5. THE FANTASY FOOTBALL GUY
–Football on Thanksgiving is a tradition, but your fantasy team is not. So when the entire room wants to change the channel because the Lions are losing by 42 points with six minutes left, it’s super annoying when you respond with, “Wait, wait, I just have to see if D’Andre Swift gets fourteen more yards.” To make matters worse, this person insists on telling you the score to their fantasy game, and the picks they made early in the season that have or have not panned out.
4. THE NEW BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND THAT WON’T LAST
–This person brought their boyfriend that they met three weeks ago when they were shit-faced drunk and letting people take body shots off their titties. Now everyone has to pretend like she and he are in a serious relationship, even though when he tells someone he’s originally from Tucson his “girlfriend” responds with “really, I thought you were from Fresno…Huh.”
3. THE OVERLY POLITICAL RELATIVE
–You haven’t read the latest book by Ron Paul, and you have no idea what the trade deficit is, but that’s not going to stop the political freak from constantly quoting Ron Paul’s latest book about the trade deficit whenever there’s a two-second lull in the conversation.
2. THE SUPER OLD GRANDPARENT
–We should all have some respect for our elders, but trying to have a conversation with your 96-year-old great grandmother is like talking to a junkie who just shot up. There’s a lot of mumbling and nodding off and when there is some conversation, it’s mostly just a series of repetitive stories from your childhood.
1. THE RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC
–We get it. You don’t drink anymore. But we don’t need updates every five minutes that you “haven’t touched the stuff in six years, 48 days and 15 hours.” And you know what? I’m not an alcoholic. Just because one sip of booze would turn you into a raging alcohol monster who would drain the liquor cabinet and then start chugging Aqua Velva doesn’t mean the rest of the world can’t have a glass of wine.